The Rest Is Still Unwritten
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2011-04-28

Music has honestly saved my life.
It drowns out everything that I don't want to think about. It makes the pain just go away.

It's times like this that I wish I could understand why I feel this way.

Do I feel guilty?
Do I feel as if I am letting myself or someone I care about down in some way?
Do I feel like I am betraying my closest friends?
Am I fooling myself?
Or am I simply content with myself and the direction I have taken my life?

Feeling empty sucks.
Being afraid to be honest sucks.

Letting myself be happy doesn't feel like an option.

I feel like I am constantly repeating myself...am I?

Do I have to walk away from something or someone in order to have peace. In order to move forward?
Do I risk losing someone that is a huge part of my life for my own happiness?
How else am I suppose to move forward?

My migraines are getting worse. I am now getting blurry vision with and without the headaches.
I've got a pain in my chest, a lump by my rib cage as well as a small lump in my boob..I have had this little lump for years...it hasn't grown at all. Doctors keep telling me it is nothing.
I am going to demand some blood work and possibly a mammogram. 2 of my Dad's sisters had breast cancer. So to be on the safe side I want to get checked out.

Oh and one more thing - DO NOT ASK ME IF MY VISION IS GETTING BETTER!!

Unfortunatley this is the deck I was dealt with. I am going to go blind.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years. No one knows.
I can't be "Healed"
I don't believe the secret healing gods can cure me.
All I can do is wait.
And waiting sucks too.



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