I tend to feel sorry for myself and blame my loneliness or unhappiness on people or things that are all within my control. I keep certain people in my life because I either think I can fix them or I feel like they can fix me. I hang on to my feelings for people hoping that some day they will reciprocate those feelings. Some of the people I want in my life I have pushed away or ignored them until they have decided I am a lost cause. I do not do it intentionally; I really don�t realize that I�ve done it until it�s too late. The people that are currently in my life are great people �I just fear how long that will last.
From sexual/physical abuse, to my parents divorcing, to realizing that being daddy�s little girl was no longer an option, to living on my own at a young age, from going to college, to coming out of the closet, to defining my career, not finishing college, falling in love, losing a child, falling out of love, to moving half way across the country, quitting my job of 14 years, and getting a new job, being transferred to a small town, to finally being diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease leaving me legally blind and now I have no independence because I can no longer drive.
Each event is defined by something but the memories within those things have either disappeared or I am trying to hang on to them as they hang on by a thread. What I wish they had done is I wish they had somehow defined who I am. Or have they?
For all the events that have happened in my life, I am still a lost puppy in my own life. I am who I pretend to be. I am who people want me to be. I have no idea who I am. Each time I see my therapist, she says �How do you tell me everything with a smile on your face?� - It�s because it�s who I pretend to be. Happy, go lucky, sometimes funny, caring and just a sweetheart. People like that Sherry. They would hate the person that is hiding inside my soul. They would hate the bitch that hides behind me like my shadow.
Why is it that I am unable to be myself? I�d say it�s probably because I have no idea who I really am. How do i find myself? Or am I really the person that people describe me to be?
I�ve never asked for pity, and that�s not what I am doing right now. I always feel the need to explain myself, mainly because I don�t want to upset anyone. I can�t even be honest with my therapist! For once I would just like to say what I feel and not hide behind what I really feel and that�s what I am doing here. This is my attempt to find myself. This is my attempt to help however as well as whoever I can and in the process hopefully help myself.
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