I do things and say things and I even have to lie in order to keep the peace.
I just want to do me.
I just want to be happy in my own skin. I don't want to care about what other people think about who my friends are or who I hang out with or who I sleep with.
I don't want to be questioned whether its a boy or a girl.
Yes SURPRISE!! I'm bisexual. Don't judge me. Fuck you.
I'm so angry at myself for pushing people out of my life because people don't approve of who my friends are. Yet I am to except anyone and anything that is in their life. I have to suck it up when people treat my badly.
I am not going to do it anymore. I may lose frends in the process and I guess that is something that I will have to live with.
Right now I am happy. I am not in the most realistic situation - or am I? - but I am happy. I am having fun. No commitment. Nothing.
Relationships have changed so much over the years. Is it really realistic that you will be with the same person for the rest of your life? I really don't think so. Not that I would completely rule it out, I just don't think I could do it. I just want to be in an honest relationship. That - I have been in for a long time now. Through the good times and even the most horrible times we have stuck by eachother and no matter how hard I tried to push them out of my life they were there, and by push them away I mean my friends didn't approve so I felt like I should end it. But where did that take me...to be miserable.
It's not about falling in love, it's not about being a slut or a whore. As I said don't judge me. Or go ahead but frankly I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.
It's about being happy, satisfied and comfortable with your decisions. It's about knowing everything you need to know and still want to be with that person and they still want to be with you. It means not mattering what others think because its your life.
Am I niave? Maybe. Am I going to get hurt. No - I don't think so, only because I know everything I need to know. We have no secrets. It is what it is. But that is my choice. I have left my heart to go in what ever direction it wants to go. I can feel the way I do without feeling guilty.
Will I get hurt? Probrably. But at least I took a chance. And I won't be broken hearted, because eventually I am sure we will both move on at some point.
I'm not head over heals, I am not going to fall in love. I am just going to move forward with an open heart and an open mind.
Do I wonder sometimes if they are being real with me? Sure. But we all have our insecurities. That is something I need to move on from. If they think I look fabulous or gorgeous then I guess I should take the compliment.
It's just that when you haven't been treated like that in a while you feel like you don't deserve it.
I am trying. I will get there.
But - If this is what is going to make me happy then this is what's going to make me happy.
That's all.
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